A Utopian Life

Utopia is a word that describes an ideal society. I'm not necessarily pondering the idea of a utopian society, rather I ponder the idea of a utopian life. WHAT IF it were possible to create a utopian life for myself? What would that life look like? Who would I be and who would surround me in the so called “perfect” life?

Who would I be? Look wise I would be the perfect height and weight, no blemishes, no imperfections. Characteristic wise I would be charitable and lovable, winning over the hearts of everyone I meet. I would be selfless, only focusing on myself after the needs of others have been met. I would be wise and knowledgeable, sharing my wisdom with those who had questions needing to be answered. I would be creative, innovative, and inspirational. I would do the things I love without fear of rejection. I would be motivated and inspired to follow my dreams, rather than scared and insecure. I wouldn't be shy, I would go out of my way to say hello to everyone and seek out those in need of a friend.

My life would be free from pain of all sorts. Emotional and physical, temporal and spiritual. I would never have a need to see a doctor, lay in bed aching, or cancel plans because of illness. I would be free from the sorrows that myself and others bring into my life. My heart would never ache as it has so many times before. Instead my heart would be full of love and compassion for others and myself, and I would never once feel the pain of a broken heart.

In my utopian life, love would never be questioned. The man I love would be with me, we wouldn't say no, and there would be nothing stopping us or holding us back from being together. There wouldn't be the baggage and differences that keep us apart. We would simply live and be happy.

I have been told many times before that marriage doesn't solve problems, it only creates more problems, but of a different kind. But in my perfect life every day dream I have ever had, every marital situation I have ever imagined would be flawless and played out perfectly. There would never be fights, we would always have heavenly bliss. We would have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, the perfect home, the perfect life.

My perfect life would mean I would never have to work out of the home, but my family would be provided with everything we needed. I could stay home and raise my children and be the ideal wife to my husband. I would be able to have a immaculately clean home everyday, because I would always have the time to keep it clean. My kids would never leave messes for me to clean up, the dishes always done, and never a speck of dust around.

My family would surround me in my utopian life. They would never be too far from where I am, but still far enough to provide space and privacy. We would spend time together laughing and loving, never arguing. Growing together and always learning from each other. I will always have a longing for them to be around me.

Utopia is a word that describes an ideal society. I pondered the idea of a utopian life. It only took a few seconds to realize that I already know that it is possible to create a utopian life. I know that in this life we must have opposition in all things, and we must face trials because this is how we learn and grow. I know that through my faith in the Gospel and how well I endure the trials in my life, that I will have the ability to obtain a Celestial life after I have left this world. I know that to have that life, I must become the person I described. I can confidently say that I know that is in fact possible to create a Celestial life for myself. I know what that life will look like. I know who I will be and who will surround me in this perfect life. It was my idea of a utopian life all along.

Alone

Shut out and alone. Ignored. Always hurting someone. A constant battle with myself that can't seem to be won. It seems no matter what I say, how many times I say it, or how loud I say it, I am never heard. I'm standing outside the window looking in, hoping for someone to notice. For someone to see me and say "I'm here, talk to me." But I'm not sure it will never happen. I think can begin to accept that I will forever be alone with my thoughts and feelings. As much as I want someone in my life to share everything with, I start losing faith of ever finding it. And why would I find it? I can't be what someone wants or needs. I feel that I am a constant failure at being a friend or girlfriend. A sister. A daughter. For one day I would love to be someone's everything. All I can hope for is the courage to ask, "is today the day?"

Time

Time. You can't escape it. You can't cheat it. You can't go back or forward. I want to do all these things almost daily. But I can't. It's impossible.
Time is constant. It doesn't change for anyone. Time doesn't care see gender, race, or age. It doesn't slow down in times of joy or speed up when we're faced with agony. It's the same for everyone, no matter how hard we wish it, we cannot will time.
Everyday seconds pass by me. Seconds that may not mean much at that moment, but if I'm not careful those meaningless seconds turn to minutes, hours, days, years, and before I know it a life time has passed me by.
Now the question is, what am I doing with my time? Am I constantly trying to find a way to slow or speed it up? Letting a lifetime of pass me by? Or am I filling it with a lifetime of memories? Memories that can be remembered, shared always.
You can't escape time. You can't cheat it. You can't go back or forward. You can't will it in your favor. One question remains, what are you doing with your time?