A Utopian Life

Utopia is a word that describes an ideal society. I'm not necessarily pondering the idea of a utopian society, rather I ponder the idea of a utopian life. WHAT IF it were possible to create a utopian life for myself? What would that life look like? Who would I be and who would surround me in the so called “perfect” life?

Who would I be? Look wise I would be the perfect height and weight, no blemishes, no imperfections. Characteristic wise I would be charitable and lovable, winning over the hearts of everyone I meet. I would be selfless, only focusing on myself after the needs of others have been met. I would be wise and knowledgeable, sharing my wisdom with those who had questions needing to be answered. I would be creative, innovative, and inspirational. I would do the things I love without fear of rejection. I would be motivated and inspired to follow my dreams, rather than scared and insecure. I wouldn't be shy, I would go out of my way to say hello to everyone and seek out those in need of a friend.

My life would be free from pain of all sorts. Emotional and physical, temporal and spiritual. I would never have a need to see a doctor, lay in bed aching, or cancel plans because of illness. I would be free from the sorrows that myself and others bring into my life. My heart would never ache as it has so many times before. Instead my heart would be full of love and compassion for others and myself, and I would never once feel the pain of a broken heart.

In my utopian life, love would never be questioned. The man I love would be with me, we wouldn't say no, and there would be nothing stopping us or holding us back from being together. There wouldn't be the baggage and differences that keep us apart. We would simply live and be happy.

I have been told many times before that marriage doesn't solve problems, it only creates more problems, but of a different kind. But in my perfect life every day dream I have ever had, every marital situation I have ever imagined would be flawless and played out perfectly. There would never be fights, we would always have heavenly bliss. We would have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, the perfect home, the perfect life.

My perfect life would mean I would never have to work out of the home, but my family would be provided with everything we needed. I could stay home and raise my children and be the ideal wife to my husband. I would be able to have a immaculately clean home everyday, because I would always have the time to keep it clean. My kids would never leave messes for me to clean up, the dishes always done, and never a speck of dust around.

My family would surround me in my utopian life. They would never be too far from where I am, but still far enough to provide space and privacy. We would spend time together laughing and loving, never arguing. Growing together and always learning from each other. I will always have a longing for them to be around me.

Utopia is a word that describes an ideal society. I pondered the idea of a utopian life. It only took a few seconds to realize that I already know that it is possible to create a utopian life. I know that in this life we must have opposition in all things, and we must face trials because this is how we learn and grow. I know that through my faith in the Gospel and how well I endure the trials in my life, that I will have the ability to obtain a Celestial life after I have left this world. I know that to have that life, I must become the person I described. I can confidently say that I know that is in fact possible to create a Celestial life for myself. I know what that life will look like. I know who I will be and who will surround me in this perfect life. It was my idea of a utopian life all along.

Alone

Shut out and alone. Ignored. Always hurting someone. A constant battle with myself that can't seem to be won. It seems no matter what I say, how many times I say it, or how loud I say it, I am never heard. I'm standing outside the window looking in, hoping for someone to notice. For someone to see me and say "I'm here, talk to me." But I'm not sure it will never happen. I think can begin to accept that I will forever be alone with my thoughts and feelings. As much as I want someone in my life to share everything with, I start losing faith of ever finding it. And why would I find it? I can't be what someone wants or needs. I feel that I am a constant failure at being a friend or girlfriend. A sister. A daughter. For one day I would love to be someone's everything. All I can hope for is the courage to ask, "is today the day?"

Time

Time. You can't escape it. You can't cheat it. You can't go back or forward. I want to do all these things almost daily. But I can't. It's impossible.
Time is constant. It doesn't change for anyone. Time doesn't care see gender, race, or age. It doesn't slow down in times of joy or speed up when we're faced with agony. It's the same for everyone, no matter how hard we wish it, we cannot will time.
Everyday seconds pass by me. Seconds that may not mean much at that moment, but if I'm not careful those meaningless seconds turn to minutes, hours, days, years, and before I know it a life time has passed me by.
Now the question is, what am I doing with my time? Am I constantly trying to find a way to slow or speed it up? Letting a lifetime of pass me by? Or am I filling it with a lifetime of memories? Memories that can be remembered, shared always.
You can't escape time. You can't cheat it. You can't go back or forward. You can't will it in your favor. One question remains, what are you doing with your time?

Flashback

Flash... Flash. Light to dark. Flash... flashback. Trust given, betrayal, trust lost. A lost sense of reality. What is real? Who can you trust? Who is really real? Humiliated, disgusted, feeling so stupid. Go back and stop it. You can't, but learn from it. It wasn't your fault. It was all a lie, no truths, just empty promises. It's done, it's over. Can't hurt you now. Let go. Let go of it. Let it ALL go. Move on. Flashback. Back to flash... flash... flash...

Music's Power

I am often in awe at how music can have the power to move a person so much, almost to the point that they can in a sense, feel that song. One song can stir up buried emotions, can bring someone to tears, or bring about the feeling of ultimate calmness.
One song in particular does this to me. "Central Park" (from the King Kong soundtrack) is a song that awakens my very soul and allows me to feel an array of emotions. At first I become completely aware of the serenity I feel as I listen to another person's creation. I feel as if all the stress is taken away and for just a moment I have total happiness.
As quickly as that happiness came, it is taken away by the sense of abandonment and isolation. Suddenly I'm alone. I feel cold and everything becomes dark all around me.
But then, all other emotions aside, the music unexpectedly brings me back to life. I'm feeling hope again. Its at this point that I realize my life has meaning and I feel optimistic about the journey ahead. I feel compelled and driven to create art that will move someone the way this song moves me. To bring even just one person to feel the amazement and wonder of my work would bring me contentment.
Its truly miraculous what music can do.

Sunset

I just saw something amazing. A sunset, so simple and ordinary, yet so powerful and unique. While storm clouds cover much of the sky, there was a sunset, just above the mountains. Pinks and oranges of all shades present. Much like my life right now, storm clouds are looming. Dark and threatening, they have the power to take control. But then I see that sunset, so beautiful, and I'm reminded that I always have tomorrow. I have another chance to take control. I can make my days bright while the dark clouds linger and the storms rage on. I have hope, and that is simply amazing.

I can...Do It All!

I wrote this back in Feb. while on campus. I was sitting in the institute building, frustrated about something. So I took out a paper and pen and this is what I got.

How can I do it all? I'm only one person. Stressed out! Life is so crazy sometimes. So much I want to do, but so much holding me back. Money, job, fear. How can I get past it all and make it work? Is that even possible? Can someone really do so much or do they just fail? Can a person really succeed at all their lives goals? If they can't then what is the point of a goal? There would be no point. We all would be going about our pointless lives trying to succeed at the impossible. How crappy is that? But what if someone can do everything they want? Suddenly the pointless becomes something with a point. Something that we strive for. All the ambition or drive in us to get that one thing we want. What is that one thing I want? Is it really just one thing, or is a multiple things mixed into one? You can't make cookies with just sugar or just flour. You need a lot more. So it is with multiple goals with the end result being the person I am. Money? Thats not it. Fame? Could be. But is it worth it? Is that my focus? The fame or money. Or do I do it because I enjoy it?
Sometimes I wish I could just escape reality and life and just do this. Take away all time and responsibility and all the stress of everyday life and just exist. Just do what I enjoy. But is that healthy? Should a person just run from their problems to do nothing? Are the goals we set for ourselves, even if failed, healthy for us? Yeah, I think they are. They give us a purpose and a drive. A passion for doing what we want. Not the things we have to do, but the things that we want to do, that bring us joy. Its more than just existing. Its creating. By setting goals we are creating for ourselves a better life. We create and choose where we want to go and what we want to be. Suddenly I realize that merely existing is not enough. I have to do more than just exist to be happy. I need goals and direction. I need that ambition and that feeling of being so compelled to do something. In that I can find my happiness and joy. This is where I can find purpose. This is how I can do it all.